The state of your heart

[poetryforfish]

Castiel waited for Claire in their designated training area, unsure of his next move. Not in the brewing conflict; he and Adam had plans for their next move there. This was a an arena much closer to home. This was Adam's idea, too, in a way. Adam had made him aware of Claire's loss... but ultimately the decision to try to talk to her about it was his.

In all honesty, he should feel more prepared than he did. He'd been rehearsing all day, trying to find the best words. The trouble was that, ultimately, this was a Rei thing. He loved his earthbound brothers, but in their world, comfort in the face of loss was a heartfelt smack on the shoulder. Maybe it a good squeeze if it was really bad. Navigating feelings with words was something he was learning almost exclusively from their friend in the House. And she wasn't here to review and ask if he was doing it right.

Still, he was her godfather and this was a responsibility that came with it. He had Rei's example to go from, and his Mother's. Hopefully he'd make them both proud--and, with time, Claire herself.

Hopefully.

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[poetryforfish]

Castiel waited. Through two attempts to dismiss the matter, then finally while she relayed the story of what had happened in their world. "A worthy friend," he said finally. He didn't have a script for this part, but he felt that acknowledging the sacrifice and the relationship was a good start. "She shared many qualities with you, from the sound of it. And if it brings you any comfort, I know firsthand how difficult it is to have survived the person you wanted--promised--to protect. It... sucks."

He would find time to be proud of himself for learning to speak her language later. For now comforting her was more important.

"I could give you a hug," he offered, "if you think that would help. I'm better at those now."

[usedtopray]

It was far from a laughing matter, but Claire couldn't help the small snort of amusement at Castiel using the word "suck", correctly no less. Then he offered her a hug and she felt her resolve not to break down begin to crack. Her smile was still present, but there was a sorrow to it. Whether she was going to cry or laugh was anyone's guess, even hers. After a second, though, she managed a shaky breath and a slight shake of her head.

"It's okay," she answered, her own arms unwrapping from around her middle. "Not that I don't appreciate the offer, and I'm sure you've definitely gotten better at hugs, but I don't..." Don't what, exactly? she thought. Don't want to cry? To mourn? To act like a normal human having a normal human experience? Don't want to seem weak? The answer, of course, was both yes and no. She didn't want to break down, not because she was worried she would come across as weak, but because she wasn't certain she could come back from it. Back home, she'd had her revenge to keep her going. Girls to train, monsters to slay, and a killer to find. Here, that wasn't an option. Sure, she was still preparing for a war - the war to end all wars - but it wasn't the same. It was the right thing to do, without a doubt, but it wasn't personal. Not the same way that finding Kaia's killer was, at any rate.

Realizing she had just trailed off, Claire tried again. "I don't want to let go of it just yet," she finally admitted. She wasn't sure that made much sense, but she went on regardless. "I know I need to, and I will. But for right now, what I'm feeling, these memories, they're the closest connection I've felt to home in a really long time." Realizing how that might sound, considering Castiel and her dad were absolutely also from home and therefore should serve as plenty of a connection, she added, "A current connection, I mean. Like, yeah it sucks, but at least I'm feeling the same thing here that I'm feeling there, and I think I need that right now." Her brow furrowed and she asked, "Does that sound stupid?"

[poetryforfish]

Castiel waited for her to find her words. Grief was the hardest emotion to work through, even someone with as much experience as she had must struggle with it. That's why he'd chosen to talk to her about it. To be with her while she did.

When she spoke, he shook his head. "No, it doesn't sound stupid." He put a hand on her shoulder. "Sometimes I listen to the metallic station, when I miss home. That is my connection. It's not easy to be away, however needed we are in this world." He let his hand drop. "I will be here when you are ready."

[usedtopray]

"Thanks, Castiel," Claire replied. She was somewhat surprised to realize that the gratitude she was expressing wasn't just being done by rote. She really was grateful, both that he'd taken the time to be there for her as well as the fact that he actually cared. There was a time in her life when she wouldn't have wanted the former and wouldn't have believed the latter. Really, it was amazing how far their relationship had progressed considering its origins, but now she couldn't imagine having a life that didn't include him.

Drawing in a centering breath, she almost changed the subject before something else crossed her mind. It was a brief thought, one that she normally would make a point not to dwell on in lieu of focusing on what mattered. Except, as she was slowly beginning to realize, what she felt did matter. Not only were her feelings important and valid, she also knew that keeping things bottled up was a surefire way to have those feelings used against you by enemies later. Considering war was inevitable, and they were facing enemies that were capable of just about anything, she wouldn't put it past demon or angel alike to try and exploit her vulnerabilities if they thought it would be beneficial to them.

Not to mention, as much as she wanted to discuss some of her issues with her dad, Cas was an angel from her reality and would know a lot more about the subject at hand. So, before she could move on to other, less emotionally driven, conversation, she decided to open up about something she had yet, to date, spoken to anyone else about.

"She wasn't just a friend." Claire paused, remembered she was speaking with someone who sometimes still struggled with reading between the lines, and continued. "I mean, she was a friend, but there was... more there. A connection that I'd never felt with anyone else. A connection that I was taught was a sin when I was a kid." Still not spitting it out entirely, but closer.

Get it together, girl. Just say it! He's not going to smite you and you'll feel better once it's not bottled up anymore.

That little voice of reason was all the push she needed and, with a small, sorrowful smile, she added, "I wanted to be with her. She wanted to be with me, too. At least, I'm pretty sure she did. I definitely know it was more than just a crush between us." There was a hesitation in her gaze as she looked at him, a brief, albeit utterly irrational, fear that he was going to be disappointed in her somehow. She refrained from the urge to take it all back and instead just said quietly, "I don't even know if it was because of who she was or if I like girls in general. But I know I liked her..."

[poetryforfish]

Castiel listened attentively as she explained about her connection to her fallen friend. Or, friend and crush. Crush and potential partner. He didn't understand her hesitation in telling him about it at first, but given the comment on what she'd absorbed from her childhood studies, it became fairly clear.

"I see. The homosexual question." His mouth formed a tight line for a moment in irritation at its existence and indignation on Claire's behalf that she had to suffer for it in the midst of her grief, which she so clearly wanted to come to terms with the whole of her feelings. "I've encountered this bias in my ministry here. It is unfortu--" no, too nice a word "--infuriating that humans insist on shifting the blame for their fear and hatred onto Mother once they find it has no basis in reality. I can assure you that She does not share these prejudices."

He felt guilty by association to see her almost afraid of him because she felt for her Kaia what his Mother actually prized most in humans. It was the last thing either of them would want her to feel. "She would be heartbroken to see this needless stigma add to your pain... as am I." He struggled with emotion, especially with outward displays of it, and it felt strange to consciously form the words. It was something he would ordinarily trust to be understood, but if he had given her any reason to doubt his loyalty and affection under any circumstance, he wanted--needed to explicitly correct it. She had to know she had his continued support and respect. "Please dismiss it from your thoughts."