The state of your heart

[poetryforfish]

Castiel waited for Claire in their designated training area, unsure of his next move. Not in the brewing conflict; he and Adam had plans for their next move there. This was a an arena much closer to home. This was Adam's idea, too, in a way. Adam had made him aware of Claire's loss... but ultimately the decision to try to talk to her about it was his.

In all honesty, he should feel more prepared than he did. He'd been rehearsing all day, trying to find the best words. The trouble was that, ultimately, this was a Rei thing. He loved his earthbound brothers, but in their world, comfort in the face of loss was a heartfelt smack on the shoulder. Maybe it a good squeeze if it was really bad. Navigating feelings with words was something he was learning almost exclusively from their friend in the House. And she wasn't here to review and ask if he was doing it right.

Still, he was her godfather and this was a responsibility that came with it. He had Rei's example to go from, and his Mother's. Hopefully he'd make them both proud--and, with time, Claire herself.

Hopefully.

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[usedtopray]

Now it was Claire's turn to simply stare for a few seconds. She blinked slowly as she tried to make sense of his question. Well, not so much make sense of it. The inquiry was pretty straight forward and easy enough to answer. It was more like she tried to figure out why he was asking it. They were in another reality, preparing for a war that was quite likely going to determine the fate of the entire world, and he wanted to know about discussions she'd had concerning everything that had happened back home? It just didn't make sense. However, when it came to Castiel, she knew that he always had a reason for the things he said and did. Just because she didn't understand that reason right now didn't mean there wasn't one.

Realizing she was still just staring at him in wary confusion, she slowly shook her head. "Not really," she answered. "I mean, my dad and I have talked a little about stuff, but I've never really asked him. It just didn't seem that important here." She drew in a centering breath. "And the you back home sort of gave up bringing it up after I basically told you to get bent." A slight shadow passed over her face at that particular memory. She didn't feel guilty, necessarily, but she did wish she had handled his re-entrance into her life with a little more dignity and far less threatening to shoot the Winchesters if he didn't leave her the alone.

It's in the past, Novak. Let it go. Her inner voice, which sounded more and more like her mother with each passing day, was enough to make her re-focus on the present. Cocking her head slightly to the side, she asked simply, "What's going on, Cas?" There wasn't any sarcasm in her tone this time; just open, honest concern. Whatever it was, she told herself she could handle it. If it was this hard for him to talk about it, she had no other choice.

[poetryforfish]

"Ah. I see." It made sense enough. Their relationship had not been a smooth one at first, to be sure... but at least this meant he could proceed with what he'd been rehearsing with few changes. He cleared his throat.

"I have always had what you call a soft spot for humans," he began, "but my admiration had been from a distance, until I met your father. We spoke for days before he agreed, and over that time he became the first human I ever loved. And the night you said yes to me, he became the first I'd ever lost."

He barely stopped himself from calling it the night they'd met. He remembered it that way, but he knew well enough she considered the night they met to be the night he'd left her house, with that unfortunate line he'd apparently repeat later.

"You don't know this, but it nearly destroyed my friendship with Dean. The reason your father and I had become separated was that I'd uncovered the Archangels' plot and tried to warn him, and they pulled me back to Heaven to... discipline me. By the time they let me go--" He sighed. This was still hard to remember, to talk about, but that was the point. "You know better than I what had happened by the time they let me go. I'm a soldier. Death is familiar ennough to me, but as I sat with him in his final moments, suddenly everything was different. I had never felt that... confused agony, until that day. And after he came back, it didn't stop." He shook his head. "Dean pulled me aside the moment it was over and asked me what I wanted to tell him. In that moment I didn't see Dean, I saw this selfish creature who'd just seen me watch the person I loved die, and all he could think of was how it affected him. I--how did you put it?--basically told him to get bent? It was some time before we were close again."

He paused to look over at her, trying to gauge how he was doing. "I know I explained my hesitation in coming to you earlier, back in the house. I won't repeat it, but... Claire, the reason I am telling you all this is that I have learned that grief is the most difficult emotion. It's nearly every existing emotion at once, the combinations are overwhelming. And I have learned that keeping them to oneself is never the best choice."

Jimmy said with teenagers the best way to deal with what they wouldn't talk about was to talk about how you handled it when it happened to you, that this was how he had conversations with Laura half the time. Claire was much easier to understand than Laura, of course, and hardly a teenager at this point, and neither thing left him feeling very certain this was the way to handle the issue. But it was his best guess.

[usedtopray]

Hearing Castiel talk about that fateful night from her childhood, Claire was struck how surreal it was hear it from his perspective. Her own memories were a little hazy at times and, if she was being honest, she didn't like to dwell on them for long. First, it had been because the pain was too new, too real. Having her father back, only to lose him again, and this time know he wasn't returning despite his body still being on Earth... it was just too much for a kid to deal with. Then, when her mom left in search of him, and she found herself at her grandmother's, Claire had turned her focus to trying to move on and each and every time she'd even considered trying to deal with her trauma, something equally traumatic seemed to come along. After a while, she simply gave up and figured she was as healed as she would ever be.

So while it did tug at her heartstrings a little to hear him talk about it, it wasn't enough to cause her to put up yet another wall around her emotions in a vain effort to protect herself. Instead, she listened to what he said and tried - really tried - to figure out what he was getting at. She was so busy focusing on what he might mean that she almost didn't realized he'd quit speaking until several lengthy seconds had passed. Blinking, she frowned ever so slightly in confusion.

"Uh, ok," she replied slowly. Something was up. She was certain of it. Castiel randomly discussing emotions was about an eleven on her one to ten meter for Things He Doesn't Do, so there had to be a reason. Frown deepening along with her thoughts, she began replaying his words over in her head.

Grief is the most difficult emotion.

And that's when it hit her. Jaw twitching a bit, Claire's frown went from one of confusion to one of mild displeasure. Adam. This had all the markings of a situation initiated by Adam.

"I'm going to wring that kid's scrawny little neck," she muttered with a heavy sigh before scrubbing a hand down her face. Re-focusing on the angel in front of her, she exhaled softly. "I'm fine," she said flatly and with just a bit too much force. Pausing, Claire cleared her throat and tried again.

"Really. I'm fine."

Yeah. That didn't sound anymore convincing than the first try. She briefly considered giving it a third attempt but didn't see the point. Even if she somehow convinced Castiel she didn't need to talk, that she really was fine, that wouldn't make it true. She was hurting and, well, while he wasn't the first person she thought of when it came to having heart to hearts, Claire had to admit that maybe discussing it with someone who wasn't accustomed to offering the usual platitudes was exactly what she needed to do. So, after a second, her shoulders dropped and she gave a slight nod.

"Her name was Kaia," she said softly. "She was a dreamwalker that got caught up in the crazy that is the Winchesters. She was funny, and feisty, and didn't take crap from anyone." She snorted softly in bemusement before swallowing hard past the sudden lump in her throat. She glanced downward, arms unconsciously wrapping around her middle. "And, um, she- she died saving me." Blinking past the stinging of tears in her eyes, Claire made herself meet Castiel's gaze. "I promised her I'd keep her safe, that I wouldn't let the monsters get her," she said with a voice thick with emotion, "and she died saving me."

[poetryforfish]

Castiel waited. Through two attempts to dismiss the matter, then finally while she relayed the story of what had happened in their world. "A worthy friend," he said finally. He didn't have a script for this part, but he felt that acknowledging the sacrifice and the relationship was a good start. "She shared many qualities with you, from the sound of it. And if it brings you any comfort, I know firsthand how difficult it is to have survived the person you wanted--promised--to protect. It... sucks."

He would find time to be proud of himself for learning to speak her language later. For now comforting her was more important.

"I could give you a hug," he offered, "if you think that would help. I'm better at those now."

[usedtopray]

It was far from a laughing matter, but Claire couldn't help the small snort of amusement at Castiel using the word "suck", correctly no less. Then he offered her a hug and she felt her resolve not to break down begin to crack. Her smile was still present, but there was a sorrow to it. Whether she was going to cry or laugh was anyone's guess, even hers. After a second, though, she managed a shaky breath and a slight shake of her head.

"It's okay," she answered, her own arms unwrapping from around her middle. "Not that I don't appreciate the offer, and I'm sure you've definitely gotten better at hugs, but I don't..." Don't what, exactly? she thought. Don't want to cry? To mourn? To act like a normal human having a normal human experience? Don't want to seem weak? The answer, of course, was both yes and no. She didn't want to break down, not because she was worried she would come across as weak, but because she wasn't certain she could come back from it. Back home, she'd had her revenge to keep her going. Girls to train, monsters to slay, and a killer to find. Here, that wasn't an option. Sure, she was still preparing for a war - the war to end all wars - but it wasn't the same. It was the right thing to do, without a doubt, but it wasn't personal. Not the same way that finding Kaia's killer was, at any rate.

Realizing she had just trailed off, Claire tried again. "I don't want to let go of it just yet," she finally admitted. She wasn't sure that made much sense, but she went on regardless. "I know I need to, and I will. But for right now, what I'm feeling, these memories, they're the closest connection I've felt to home in a really long time." Realizing how that might sound, considering Castiel and her dad were absolutely also from home and therefore should serve as plenty of a connection, she added, "A current connection, I mean. Like, yeah it sucks, but at least I'm feeling the same thing here that I'm feeling there, and I think I need that right now." Her brow furrowed and she asked, "Does that sound stupid?"

[poetryforfish]

Castiel waited for her to find her words. Grief was the hardest emotion to work through, even someone with as much experience as she had must struggle with it. That's why he'd chosen to talk to her about it. To be with her while she did.

When she spoke, he shook his head. "No, it doesn't sound stupid." He put a hand on her shoulder. "Sometimes I listen to the metallic station, when I miss home. That is my connection. It's not easy to be away, however needed we are in this world." He let his hand drop. "I will be here when you are ready."

[usedtopray]

"Thanks, Castiel," Claire replied. She was somewhat surprised to realize that the gratitude she was expressing wasn't just being done by rote. She really was grateful, both that he'd taken the time to be there for her as well as the fact that he actually cared. There was a time in her life when she wouldn't have wanted the former and wouldn't have believed the latter. Really, it was amazing how far their relationship had progressed considering its origins, but now she couldn't imagine having a life that didn't include him.

Drawing in a centering breath, she almost changed the subject before something else crossed her mind. It was a brief thought, one that she normally would make a point not to dwell on in lieu of focusing on what mattered. Except, as she was slowly beginning to realize, what she felt did matter. Not only were her feelings important and valid, she also knew that keeping things bottled up was a surefire way to have those feelings used against you by enemies later. Considering war was inevitable, and they were facing enemies that were capable of just about anything, she wouldn't put it past demon or angel alike to try and exploit her vulnerabilities if they thought it would be beneficial to them.

Not to mention, as much as she wanted to discuss some of her issues with her dad, Cas was an angel from her reality and would know a lot more about the subject at hand. So, before she could move on to other, less emotionally driven, conversation, she decided to open up about something she had yet, to date, spoken to anyone else about.

"She wasn't just a friend." Claire paused, remembered she was speaking with someone who sometimes still struggled with reading between the lines, and continued. "I mean, she was a friend, but there was... more there. A connection that I'd never felt with anyone else. A connection that I was taught was a sin when I was a kid." Still not spitting it out entirely, but closer.

Get it together, girl. Just say it! He's not going to smite you and you'll feel better once it's not bottled up anymore.

That little voice of reason was all the push she needed and, with a small, sorrowful smile, she added, "I wanted to be with her. She wanted to be with me, too. At least, I'm pretty sure she did. I definitely know it was more than just a crush between us." There was a hesitation in her gaze as she looked at him, a brief, albeit utterly irrational, fear that he was going to be disappointed in her somehow. She refrained from the urge to take it all back and instead just said quietly, "I don't even know if it was because of who she was or if I like girls in general. But I know I liked her..."

[poetryforfish]

Castiel listened attentively as she explained about her connection to her fallen friend. Or, friend and crush. Crush and potential partner. He didn't understand her hesitation in telling him about it at first, but given the comment on what she'd absorbed from her childhood studies, it became fairly clear.

"I see. The homosexual question." His mouth formed a tight line for a moment in irritation at its existence and indignation on Claire's behalf that she had to suffer for it in the midst of her grief, which she so clearly wanted to come to terms with the whole of her feelings. "I've encountered this bias in my ministry here. It is unfortu--" no, too nice a word "--infuriating that humans insist on shifting the blame for their fear and hatred onto Mother once they find it has no basis in reality. I can assure you that She does not share these prejudices."

He felt guilty by association to see her almost afraid of him because she felt for her Kaia what his Mother actually prized most in humans. It was the last thing either of them would want her to feel. "She would be heartbroken to see this needless stigma add to your pain... as am I." He struggled with emotion, especially with outward displays of it, and it felt strange to consciously form the words. It was something he would ordinarily trust to be understood, but if he had given her any reason to doubt his loyalty and affection under any circumstance, he wanted--needed to explicitly correct it. She had to know she had his continued support and respect. "Please dismiss it from your thoughts."